Welcome to a series of world-class master coach videos I’m sharing on topics that are key to emotional healing after divorce. Louise Hay is an American motivational author and the founder of Hay House, she has authored several New Thought self-help books, including her best-selling You Can Heal Your Life.
In divorce, we’ve lost the one person who we thought would be there for us -- who actually promised to love us forever. As divorced women, it often happens that we feel more unlovable and unloved than ever before. We may feel more undeserving than ever before. These kinds of feelings can become stronger and stronger, and become the dark prism through which every part of our lives become distorted.
Are you feeling, "Wait! That's not my problem! I'm just terrified about how I'm going to survive this divorce." Please don't bail on this blog post. When you learn to truly love and support yourself emotionally, you'll have the confidence to handle all of the other changes you're going through right now.
This video is a Louise Hay classic, where she teaches many of her most popular concepts around why it’s difficult to love and accept ourselves. She also gives essential strategies on how to deal with fears that come up when we want to learn to treat ourselves with love.
If you feel that you’re starving for love and lonely from a lifetime of trying to earn love from others, this is a must-watch. If you're thinking, "No, that's not me," please watch anyway. Trust me on this.
Scroll down past the video for top divorcée takeaways from this Louise Hay teaching on dealing with fears of not being “enough” for the challenges you face, and how to grow your self love (in case you'd like an idea of what's covered before watching).
Divorcée takeaways on feeling unloved, undeserving, and fearing what the future holds:
Loving ourselves is the most powerful thing we can do in our lives.
Self-love is not self-indulgence. Self-love is respecting and appreciating the magnificent beings that we are.
As babies, we’re not afraid to let others know how we feel. We live in the moment. We’re filled with courage. We were all like that. We adored ourselves.
Then, we started to grow up, and started to listen to people who were frightened or critical or resentful or guilty.
What you were taught to believe by the people around you has influenced the choices you make and the things you think in the now.
As an adult, you are now in charge. It doesn’t matter what your parents said, or what anyone else told you. You’re the only person who thinks in your mind and gets to choose your thoughts. (Rosetta’s Hint: It’s especially important to get your ex’s voice out of your head.)
One of the most powerful affirmations you can use is, “I love and approve of myself.”
When you first say this affirmation, often, all the negative thoughts about yourself come to the surface. And this gives you the opportunity to know what’s been in the way of your loving yourself.
If you don’t hear your negative messages, you don’t know what’s in the way. When you feel a negative message bubbling up in your mind, write it down. Once you know the negative thoughts that you have about yourself, you can choose to change them.
Louise teaches her mirror work exercise: “I love and approve of you exactly as you are.”
As you acknowledge any negative messages that come into your mind about yourself, you can diffuse their power by simply telling them, “Thank you for sharing.” (Rosetta: Say this as if you were saying this to someone else whose opinion is not welcome.)
Who would be upset if you really loved yourself? (Rosetta’s Hint: Think about who would roll their eyes at you, call you selfish, or tell you that you’re “not all that.” Do you really want to continue to accept these opinions, or would you rather focus on what's wonderful about you?)
We can go beyond the limitations and negative mindsets of our family and friends. Through no fault of these people, we can’t help but have internalized their ways of thinking and behaving.
How do you learn to love yourself? Number one is to stop all criticism -- of yourself and of other people. And it is a lot easier to stop criticizing other people, once you’ve stopped criticizing yourself.
Number two is to stop scaring yourself. How often do you terrorize yourself with your own thoughts? We find so many ways to scare ourselves.
Make a list of your fears. Then give yourself the opportunity to turn each fear into a positive affirmation. (Rosetta’s Hint: One way to start this process is to take a look at each fear or negative thought and think of ways that it’s not necessarily true, that there can be another outcome, and that you are not really a victim of what you fear -- you can have a lot to do with the way things turn out.)
One negative or self-loathing thought doesn’t make a lot of difference. But thoughts are like drops of water. If the drops of water keep falling, eventually you get an ocean. The negative thoughts become patterns, and seem real, and it can seem impossible to paddle upstream against them.
By challenging our fears and the thoughts that hurt us, we change our experiences. We have the opportunity to move forward without all the darkness and self-doubt of the past.
Would you like more help around self-love and changing fearful, negative thought patterns in your life?
If you feel you’re sinking or stuck in dealing with your emotions (as you navigate separation and divorce, or as you try to heal emotionally after divorce) why not schedule a 30-minute virtual coffee date with me? You'll get immediate help and techniques to feel better from the moment you get on the call. (And if, after our call, you don't feel our time together was helpful, your $25 payment will be auto-refunded. There is nothing to lose, and you will feel better fast.)