7-Day Divorce Healing Facebook Jumpstart

How can I make it even quicker and easier to emotionally heal from divorce?

As a divorce recovery coach, I ask myself this question every day.

To the left, you can see one of my favorite memes that I created to help my dynamic divorcees get a few quick emotional wins right away, so that they'll believe that the process I take them through really works.

And, I just started thinking . . . this is a valuable little exercise for anyone who follows me and reads my stuff.

It can stand alone as a way to believe that you are never stuck, even if it feels that way.  You can always shift the view to something that gives you enough hope to wake up the next day and take the next step.

So, my question is: Do you want to try this?  With me, for free, on Facebook.

Get a little support in doing for yourself what you wish he had done for you. You know the things. Ask yourself what you need. Then, give it to yourself.

Feel that you are worthy to deserve excellent treatment from yourself. Stop hurting yourself by feeling that, if you were "good enough" or worthy enough, he would have treated you better. Your worth had nothing to do with how he behaved. You make yourself more beautiful to the outside world by how well you treat yourself.
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Receive support in developing the new habit of reminding yourself, throughout each day, of the things you love about you. Stuck on this one? What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? What were your passions before you got married? What do people tend to compliment you on?

Learn how to cheer yourself on when no one else seems to know what you need or has time to give it. Remind yourself that YOU KNOW the value of the spirit inside you. Deep down, YOU KNOW that you were meant for more than where you are right now.

7-Day Jumpstart on Facebook: 

Would you like some free, online support, over 7 days, to try the simple steps above?  Let me know!  Comment below this post, or, if you're seeing this on Facebook, comment on the post!

UPDATE 8.7.18: I've heard from a bunch of women who are saying yes to the 7-Day Self-Love Facebook Jumpstart.  So . . . the seven days will begin the week after Labor Day, starting Sunday, Sept. 9 and finishing on Saturday, Sept. 15.  The best way to make sure you get all of the details is to contact me here and let me know you want in on the Jumpstart : )

 

Divorcée Life: Easy trick to allow yourself a little “me time”

Welcome to a series of world-class master coach videos I’m sharing on topics that are key to emotional healing after divorce. Cheryl Richardson is the founding president of the International Coach Federation, she co-created the Body and Soul conference series sponsored by New Age magazine, and speaks professionally before numerous universities and Fortune 500 companies.

In her 1988 book, A Burst of Light, Audre Lorde wrote that "caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Whether or not you believe that we, as women, tend not to have the freedom of choice that men have, one thing most of us have experienced is the pressure to sacrifice nearly every moment of our lives in the service of someone else.

Are you finding it difficult (both before and after divorce) to stop the hamster wheel and give yourself permission to live a little?

Here’s the easy trick that I found in the video below.  (Or, think of it as coming into self-care from the back door.)  

Your kids, friends, and family need you to be good to yourself.

Scroll down past the video for top divorcée takeaways on the key sentence above, and the importance of “me time,” in case you'd like an idea of what's covered before watching.

Divorcée takeaways on making time for ourselves:

  • Sometimes, the pressure comes from ourselves to do more and more for our families, and not necessarily our families forcing us to work ourselves to death.

  • We know we need to take time for exercise and to support our well-being, so why is it so hard to give ourselves permission and let some other tasks slide?

  • There's an inner voice that tells us we're selfish or self-indulgent.

  • In order to shift this, ask yourself the question: "Wouldn’t you love to have had a mother who took such good care of herself that she felt great all the time?"

  • How many of you grew up with mothers who were worn out all the time? Worn out, tired, and didn’t have time for you because she couldn’t or wouldn’t give herself any downtime?

  • Or, her exhaustion may have manifested in her being angry and resentful, with only enough energy to try to survive every day.

  • When we set boundaries on the service we provide to others, we can intentionally choose to give more in some situations, but it comes from a better place -- from love (and having a surplus of energy to give) instead of from obligation.

  • If your own mother put herself last, it can take years for you to overcome the patterns that her example set for you.

  • When a mother puts herself last, she is often filled with rage that she can’t express, but it leaks out in little ways that the child’s psyche picks up on.  (Rosetta's Hint: Even if you're not a mom, your exhaustion and feelings of "giving up" can end up as a dark haze that effects your friends', family's, and colleagues' perceptions and feelings about you. When you realize this, and if you want more love and acceptance from those around you, spending time in pursuits and passions you enjoy can be the starting point for change in how others see you and relate to you.)

  • When you start to resent the things you feel you have to do for others, you end up doing everything resentfully. Even the things that you would have done willingly, lovingly, freely come out with anger and resentment because you haven’t filled your cup first.

  • (Rosetta’s Hint: If it’s difficult for you ever to treat yourself with love and care, start with just two minutes a day. That’s long enough to take a few deep breaths. It’s long enough to spend two extra minutes in the shower. It’s enough time to notice something pretty outside your window.  In other words, it’s enough time to pause on the pressure cooker -- and maybe you’ll take a third minute off, or even five minutes. The first step is to stop the hamster wheel -- even if it’s just two minutes -- so you can feel a pause of peace.)

  • (One more hint from Rosetta: Please don’t be afraid that, if you pause your pressure cooker that you’ll just collapse on the couch and pass out from fatigue. You want to pause in ways that will refresh you, not be the last straw that makes you collapse. Taking a break is a reminder that you are a human being, not a machine.)

  • If you try my hint above, and you want the next step, you can click Contact in the navigation bar above, type the message "self-care step 2," and I’ll email you back with the next tiny step.

Would you like more help around how to allow yourself the downtime you need?

If you feel you’re sinking or stuck in dealing with your emotions (as you navigate separation and divorce, or as you try to heal emotionally after divorce) why not schedule a 30-minute virtual coffee date with me? You'll get immediate help and techniques to feel better from the moment you get on the call. (And if, after our call, you don't feel our time together was helpful, your $25 payment will be auto-refunded. There is nothing to lose, and you will feel better fast.)

Click this link to learn more

Divorcee Life: Becoming Succulent

Yes, you, succulent.  Juicy, moist, luscious, ripe, soft, and tender.

No, this isn't going to be about sex.  And, isn't it funny that, when we read a word like succulent, we don't think about it as relating to how we experience ourselves, but rather think of ourselves as objects of pleasure for others?  But that's another story . . .

This one's about taking care of ourselves, no matter what the outside "weather" conditions may be.

Self-care can be a difficult concept to get excited about, because it sounds like even more work than we're already doing.  Every.  Single.  Day.

But, I'm already too burned out to do more!

Wait, wait!  I'm not trying to convince you to get yourself to a nail salon, or have time-consuming massages, or spend hours at the gym -- or to crowd your already scarce after-work schedule with more self-care chores at home.

I'm talking about self-nourishment that's low maintenance, and using succulent plants as a beautiful example.  Because, if you're a succulent, self-care is easy and fun, rather than having to be a plant that needs all sorts of special attention:  fertilizer, pruning, a precise amount of sun, regular watering schedules . . . .

Nourish yourself from the inside out by embracing what you need.

I love succulents because they remind me that I can be easily and happily self-sustaining.  

Succulents don't do anything extra.  They just retain water in their leaves and stems so that they don't need as much care from the outside.  They nourish themselves from the inside out.

Have you taken a look at any succulent plants lately?  They're shiny, colorful, and bursting with life.  They're not dry, crunchy, or shriveled.  They invite you to admire them.  They look friendly, happy, and juicy.

And, guess what?  Because they have plenty of water inside, they do great in arid, harsh climates and can flourish in dry soil.  They're drought resistant because they've been saving up and taking care of themselves all along.  They hoard that nourishment!  They store that water!

Guess what else?  They're easy to propagate.  These plants have so much surplus love to give that when a leaf falls off, you can just stick it in the ground and a new plant takes life.  No waiting for roots to grow, no babying, no special techniques.

It's almost impossible to kill these plants.  Because they take care of themselves, and they make very good use of the water and care they do receive.

There's a lot to learn from these glossy, happy plants that can deal with the driest, most pitiless conditions.

If you feel that life and circumstances are out to kill you, there's a lot to learn from these glossy, happy, friendly plants that can deal with the hottest, driest, pitiless conditions.

I want to be like them!  (That's why I love to have succulents around my house, and love to give baby plant cuttings -- that I bless with good vibes -- as gifts.)

What does it mean to be like a succulent plant?  A succulent woman doesn't let everything she has slip through her fingers.  She holds something in reserve in case she needs it.  She doesn't have to worry about running on empty or burning out.

It's cash in the cookie jar.  It's groceries in the fridge.  It's moisturizer.  It's a room of one's own.

Why is succulence such a hard sell, when it's what we need most?  Why does it always have to be couched in the language of serving others: "Put on your oxygen mask first.  You can't give from an empty well."

Socially approved self-care versus real self-nourishment.

Why isn't it okay to need what we need in order to feel good?  Men feel great about taking what they need, and forget to think about others unless someone reminds them (and still feel great about ignoring any requests made of them) .   But it's not the same for us.

Why can't we give ourselves what we need, especially if it costs nothing but time?  What if the only cost is listening to our inner voice, and saying "yes" to our preference first, and accustoming others to getting their way after our own deep longing is met?

Society repeatedly tells us, in ways both spoken and unspoken, that a woman's worth is only based on how much and how well she can serve others.  This internalized belief (so deeply rooted that we don't even realize it's a belief -- it's just the "way things are") makes even much of what we think of as self-love or self-care part of our own servitude.  

Part of why we spend so much more money than men do on clothing, cosmetics, fitness classes, and salon and spa services is wrapped up in being desirable to men and being rated acceptable as women.   This way of being-sold-to by fashion magazines and cosmetic companies isn't really about fulfilling our deep needs as women; it's about measuring up.  It's about appearing attractive rather than feeling beautiful.

How all of this relates to feeling better after divorce:

If you came into divorce already depleted and dry, and perhaps didn't feel that you deserved to honor your own needs, no wonder you may feel that you're weak and withering.

Do you have a feeling of deep longing inside?  It's your need for nourishment speaking to you, crying out to you.  It's the signal that you're running on empty.  That you deeply need moisture to nourish the heart and soul of your body so that you can sustain yourself during the dry seasons.

Instead of begging for respect or validation from those around me (and, you know, the more you beg, the less you receive), I want to collect as much good juju as I can from what's already available.  

If the loving, positive friends you desire aren't in your life right now, what inspiring books can you read, by loving authors who seem as if their words are meant only for you?  Hug a bunch of people you meet in the course of your day, and find out who is a great hugger.  Dare to step outside the box of how you normally interact with the world around you.

Instead of feeling like I'm searching hard for what I crave, I want to see what I may have overlooked right next to me.  Who's already offering love, who's already in your corner, what kindnesses can you give to yourself.  What riches are you holding back from yourself that are easily in your own power to give?

Succulent baby steps:

1.  Meditation, succulent-style.  I've been trying to meditate since I was in my 20s, but, to tell you the truth, I had trouble seeing the point.  I didn't care about enlightenment; I cared about happiness in this world.

I found my own, non-traditional way. I like a more body-centered form of meditation, in which you sit still (or you can even do this while walking) and check in with how your body is feeling.  See if your breathing feels relaxed.  See if you feel at home in your body.  Are your clothes comfortable?  Are you thirsty?  Do you need to give yourself a hug?  What can you do to feel more comfortable in this moment?

2.  Say yes to yourself at least once a day.  This is especially important if the answer was always "no" growing up, and dreams have tended to be deferred in your adult life.  You even may have gone on to marry someone who was never onboard with anything you wanted to do.  

Now, you have a second chance to practice saying yes to yourself, especially in little ways that can make you happy.  When you need to get up from your desk and stretch for a few moments, let yourself do it.  Give yourself permission to try something different at lunch.  Say yes to those little desires that may seem foolish to indulge in.  Start finding out the small, easy things that would bring you a sense of comfort and happiness that's much greater than the effort you expend.

3.  Check in to see whether the ways you're currently nourishing yourself are truly nourishing, or are they simply a way to numb the pain rather than something that makes you feel good to be you?

This can be a little hard to figure out, if you're not sure what it means to feel good to be you.  

So let's take a look at those succulent plants again.  See how they look really happy to be who they are?  They're not reaching out, trying to climb somewhere or to go somewhere else.  They're grounded, settled, earthy, and strong.  They don't blow in the wind.  They don't reach out, begging you to admire them, touch them, smell them, or pick them to arrange in a bouquet.

Maybe the first step to feeling like that yourself is to pour yourself a nice glass of water, feed yourself with its loving, succulent, sustaining moisture, breathe, and see what it feels like just to be contented to be you for a moment or two.

A succulent doesn't have to fear the future.

So much of the pain of divorce is in the anticipation of even more difficulties ahead as you enter the single life.  But none of that has happened yet.  As you become succulent, and find ways to be at peace as a self-nourishing being, you can let go of panic over a stressful future that hasn't even happened yet (and that, most likely, will never happen to the degree you fear).

At this moment, you are breathing and you are safe.  You're making yourself as comfortable as possible so that you're making decisions from the best part of yourself, with your own well-being (and that of your children, if you're a mom) foremost in your mind.

You're taking in self-nourishment of every kind so that you don't need to depend on care from external sources.  Because you have all of those inner resources you've stored up, you are at peace for the duration, and you have time to consider what you want to do, where you want to be, and who you want to be with.

As always, I'm sending love to you, and, encouraging you to pick up an adorable little succulent plant as a companion on the journey -- and as a reminder that you can have fun slowly building up your loving inner succulence.

As a footnote, here's a TedX talk from author SARK, in which she talks about succulence, "how to dialogue with your inner critics, give them the love and support they're looking for, and assign them to new jobs, " and much more:

How to get unstuck, make time work for you, and find your shiny new divorcée life

One of the things my coaching clients find most difficult about life during and after divorce is the lack of energy and absence of desire to do the things they know they should be doing or that they would want to be doing if they weren't in so much pain or if they weren't feeling so numb.

In our first coaching call or two, we work together to come up with the outlines of buried dreams that they would like to live out, as well as practical tasks that they may have been putting off.

These things can be boring old to-do list items that they simply have no energy to attack, or they can be post-divorce-related activities such as how to fund retirement as a single woman, or how to find a better job/move into a new career.  

New for 2017:  I have a magical "how to get unstuck" free tutorial that you can download at the end of this post.  So, please don't miss it.  It's really good (based on my work with many many divorcees over the years).  Don't want to wait, and just want the freebie now?  Just let me know where to send it:

Introduction to the magical Pomodoro : )

I love to introduce friends and clients to the Pomodoro Technique, an easy tool to help anyone get started on onerous tasks -- based not on chunking a task down into baby steps per se, but instead, based on focusing effort on one task exclusively for a brief period of time without interruption.  Click the link above to read more about the research that went into the development of this easy and effective life hack.

This is a get-it-done-without-burnout technique developed in the 1990s, and it uses any timer that you happen to have (kitchen timer, phone . . .), but I love the free Clockwork Tomato app that times a continuous loop of 25 work minutes and 5 rest minutes -- more on that in the next paragraph.

The original Pomodoro Technique concept is so simple.  Each day, you write down the top 3 tasks you want most to accomplish.  Then you use the timer to keep you on track to do rounds of working 25 minutes on a task (without allowing any interruptions) followed by a 5-minute break.  After four 25-minute work/5-minute break segments, you take a longer break of 15 to 30 minutes.

Have I already lost you?  "Three tasks?" you say.  

You want to set me straight:  "I'm hardly even functional, can't hold back the anger and tears, and I haven't slept through the night in months."  If this is where you are in this moment, please don't stop reading yet.  I have something special just for you.  Scroll down to the bottom of this post because I have a step-by-step system so you can use this technique in a way that isn't too daunting right now.

But, back to the Pomodoro Technique . . .

No multitasking of any kind is allowed while you're running the timer.  That means no answering the phone, checking email, looking at Facebook, or getting up from your task during the 25-minute segments (unless making phone calls *is* the task of your 25-minute segment).  Get up, get coffee, run to the bathroom, or whatever, during the 5-minute or 15-minute break.

But, wait!  You can use this for everything.

If you install the app on your phone rather than on your laptop, you can use the timer to be more productive with evening and weekend chores -- and get these exhausting tasks out of your way quickly.  Once again, amazing.  I can't wait for you to try this and see how quickly tasks are accomplished and how much time is freed up for self-care and fun.

When you're running your timer at home, you can be sure to fit in some exercise every day by making one 25-minute segment a physical activity.  Or how about a 25-minute relaxation period that you don't usually allow yourself?  When I'm swamped with more weekend work than I'd like, I schedule 25 minutes of chores followed by 25 minutes of fun in rotation until I'm finished with the annoying chores.   The bonus is that the chores are completed and out of the way (rather than hanging over my head and dreaded), and there's more free-and-clear evening and weekend time to enjoy.

I hear you saying:  What do you mean, without interruption?

Here's a suggestion on how to pleasantly handle interrupting colleagues, friends, or the kids:

Let them know when you'll attend to them.  Deal with all of the interruptions in your next 5-minute rest period or 25-minute work segment and let them know how many minutes it will be until they have your undivided attention.

Undivided attention is much better than trying to handle their questions or concerns while simultaneously working on something else.

Other tips:

  • Turn your phone to silent or airplane mode.
  • If you have a door to the room in which you're working, close it.
  • Put a sign up, letting everyone know when you'll be free.
  • Don't have email, Facebook, or other enticing time-wasters open during Pomodoro time. 
  • Checking email just twice a day is a great practice to start now, if you'd like to start protecting more of your time for you.  You can get through email much more quickly when it piles up and you have to be more selective about what you choose to view.

What if you can't even get your head around this post so far?  What if just the idea of a to-do list makes you feel like crying?

But, what if you're at that stage of trying to heal emotionally post-divorce, and you can hardly get out of bed in the morning, let alone get excited about moving items off your to-do list and exercising in your newly found free time?  "Exercising?" you say.  "Rosetta, you must be mad."

I Wrote a new 6-page tutorial for you around the subject of goals, desires, and to-do lists.  I'm hoping you'll really like it!

I Wrote a new 6-page tutorial for you around the subject of goals, desires, and to-do lists.  I'm hoping you'll really like it!

I have something special for you.  

I've worked with so many women to change their dread to excitement about getting unstuck around goals and desires.

So I wrote (brand new for 2017), a special free tutorial -- a 6-step process that uses the Pomodoro Technique to start, little-by-little to get back on your feet and back on track with life.

In developing this tool, I used my many years of experience in working with real-life divorcées who feel blocked by the daunting prospect of getting started on the path to recreating their lives -- and themselves.

If you're hurting (a lot!), but you also want to rejoin the living, start dreaming good dreams for your life (plus making them come true!), click through below, and get instant access to my newest free secrets on taking magic steps to move forward on the things you need (or want) to do.