tired of getting the crumbs? put yourself on the A list (or should I say the Bee list).

Have you been wondering what's going on -- why it is that, time and again, you feel like you get the crumbs in your relationships?

Maybe it's really been driven home to you when you see how well your ex is treating the new woman in his life -- doing things for her that he never did for you.

Too many of us have been taught that a good woman presents herself as the one who never asks for anything.  The problem is the disappointment that follows when she gets exactly what she asked for:  nothing.

Pretty soon, we begin to believe, ourselves, that good things happen only to someone else, and we expect to receive second or third best . . . or nothing at all.  We expect that the man in our lives will forget significant dates, fail to come through on his promises, and will disappoint us again and again.

Men pick up on this.  They, often unconsciously, give you what you've asked for.  And, sometimes, what you're unwittingly asking for is to be treated as a doormat.

If, in your new, post-divorce life, your conversation is an unremitting drama of things continually going wrong for you, the men you meet may very well think of you as an attractive liability -- one whom they can't afford, no matter how engaging your personality or attractive your appearance.

If the first and continuing impression you give out is not that of a high-quality, high-value woman -- someone he would be extremely lucky to have as his own -- you're headed for the kind of treatment you received from your ex-husband . . . all over again.

Fake it 'till you make it:  You have to start somewhere.

You may feel tired and beaten down, and you may wonder whether anyone worth having will really want you.  You may be settling for bottom-of-the-barrel dates -- or men who are already taken -- simply because you have nothing to prove to them.  It may feel safer to you than facing rejection by a guy you feel you can only dream about having.

When you stand on your own two feet and prosper on your own, having a fun social circle of friends you're proud of, and a job you really like, you begin to become the woman who will seem a very good match to the kind of man you'd actually want.  The kind of person who may seem like a stretch to you right now.

The Bee List:  The Queen Bee List

The problem with the kind of man who is attracted to the always-in-crisis kind of woman is that you must remain a victim for him to stay interested in you.  You have to be in the one-down position.  But that's not who you want to be anymore.

If you want to be the Queen Bee, you have to surround yourself with honey.  When you think of it that way, it's sounds like fun, doesn't it?  It does to me -- and I gather in the honey every day.

Mmmmm, how could you start surrounding yourself with honey right now?  Making yourself feel so good that everyone wants to be around this fascinating, uplifting, joyous, multifaceted woman.

Yes, it will take some effort to go from feeling as you do at this moment to becoming the Queen Bee of your own life, but what's the alternative?  When I think of the 50 Shades of Grey, I don't think about kinky sex; instead I think about how grey life is when you feel you have to give up hope of the good life that so many other women have, and instead live a life of, "Well, things could be worse."

What's your next step? 

Read any of the posts on this blog.  Most of them give a few "try me" steps toward giving yourself the respect you deserve (so that others in your life will respect you, too).  Or, you could have a get-acquainted call with me!  It's free, and we can talk about what's going on for you.  You can catch me here.


What I Did for Valentine's Day: One Billion Rising

I thought that maybe you'd like to see how I spent V-Day 2013.  I choreographed a little bit of flamenco fusion to "Break the Chain," the official music for the One Billion Rising organization's flash mob initiative:  bringing awareness to violence and abuse against women and girls worldwide.

Probably not my greatest achievement in the art of flamenco, but we needed something very simple, with a flamenco flavor, that we could teach to a variety of students and supporters -- many of whom had no previous dance experience.

Here's how it turned out.  My favorite part is at the end where everyone joins in and freestyles.  V-Day 2013 at Union Station in downtown Chicago:

For more about One Billion Rising and why we rose up in support:

And here's a big flash mob group that took place the same day at Daley Plaza:

Taking back V-Day with beautiful women-power.  Love to all!

Mrs Palfrey at The Claremont

An addition to your contemplations-on-the-single-life film library, this is a wonderful, and non-sentimental, look at the last days of Sara Palfrey, a sensible middle-class widow played by wonderful British actress (and DBE) Joan Plowright.  She wasn't the last wife of Laurence Olivier for nothing.

A meditation on the kindness of strangers, this one gets you thinking about what is really important as you go through midlife and through the looking glass into the beyond:  the far vistas of old age.  A direction in which most of us are a little afraid to look.

Plowright plays a senior heroine who is a real, multi-dimensional person with a handle on her own destiny. Not just the garden-variety little old lady at the mercy of her children.  A good one for a crisp fall day.