tired of getting the crumbs? put yourself on the A list (or should I say the Bee list).

Have you been wondering what's going on -- why it is that, time and again, you feel like you get the crumbs in your relationships?

Maybe it's really been driven home to you when you see how well your ex is treating the new woman in his life -- doing things for her that he never did for you.

Too many of us have been taught that a good woman presents herself as the one who never asks for anything.  The problem is the disappointment that follows when she gets exactly what she asked for:  nothing.

Pretty soon, we begin to believe, ourselves, that good things happen only to someone else, and we expect to receive second or third best . . . or nothing at all.  We expect that the man in our lives will forget significant dates, fail to come through on his promises, and will disappoint us again and again.

Men pick up on this.  They, often unconsciously, give you what you've asked for.  And, sometimes, what you're unwittingly asking for is to be treated as a doormat.

If, in your new, post-divorce life, your conversation is an unremitting drama of things continually going wrong for you, the men you meet may very well think of you as an attractive liability -- one whom they can't afford, no matter how engaging your personality or attractive your appearance.

If the first and continuing impression you give out is not that of a high-quality, high-value woman -- someone he would be extremely lucky to have as his own -- you're headed for the kind of treatment you received from your ex-husband . . . all over again.

Fake it 'till you make it:  You have to start somewhere.

You may feel tired and beaten down, and you may wonder whether anyone worth having will really want you.  You may be settling for bottom-of-the-barrel dates -- or men who are already taken -- simply because you have nothing to prove to them.  It may feel safer to you than facing rejection by a guy you feel you can only dream about having.

When you stand on your own two feet and prosper on your own, having a fun social circle of friends you're proud of, and a job you really like, you begin to become the woman who will seem a very good match to the kind of man you'd actually want.  The kind of person who may seem like a stretch to you right now.

The Bee List:  The Queen Bee List

The problem with the kind of man who is attracted to the always-in-crisis kind of woman is that you must remain a victim for him to stay interested in you.  You have to be in the one-down position.  But that's not who you want to be anymore.

If you want to be the Queen Bee, you have to surround yourself with honey.  When you think of it that way, it's sounds like fun, doesn't it?  It does to me -- and I gather in the honey every day.

Mmmmm, how could you start surrounding yourself with honey right now?  Making yourself feel so good that everyone wants to be around this fascinating, uplifting, joyous, multifaceted woman.

Yes, it will take some effort to go from feeling as you do at this moment to becoming the Queen Bee of your own life, but what's the alternative?  When I think of the 50 Shades of Grey, I don't think about kinky sex; instead I think about how grey life is when you feel you have to give up hope of the good life that so many other women have, and instead live a life of, "Well, things could be worse."

What's your next step? 

Read any of the posts on this blog.  Most of them give a few "try me" steps toward giving yourself the respect you deserve (so that others in your life will respect you, too).  Or, you could have a get-acquainted call with me!  It's free, and we can talk about what's going on for you.  You can catch me here.

.

being invisible . . . does it feel like this?

Today, I want to share with you some things that women in my Dynamic Divorcée community have said to me -- this month alone -- on the subject of feeling invisible.  (But, keep reading past the sadness, because -- let's not stay in this invisible black hole!)

First, some raw and honest responses to the question, "What does being invisible mean to you?" 

"Hollow. I see the person in the mirror.  She looks like a tired version of someone I used to know.  She's definitely not the vibrant person I used to see."

"Being treated like you are worthless, weak, and can be bullied."

"Irrelevant, stuck on auto pilot, bland, grey."

"It seems no one sees me, my pain, my value as a human. I feel like everyone just sees me as a tool to get what they need."

"Feeling as if I am not making a lively and beneficial contribution to friends and family, and the world.  Also, feeling small because everyone else seems to be so dominant and happy."  

"It's going about my daily life like a robot of sorts, nobody seems to notice you.  You're there and even appreciated, but nobody seems to take the time to ask you to do things with them."

These are just a few of many responses that I received when I did a giveaway of private coaching with me in my Invisible to Irresistible program. 

Okay, let's try to shift this dreadful, maybe-the-best-part-of-life-is-over feeling.  Is it possible to see the humor in this?

If you haven't seen the Mindy is Invisible superbowl ad (and even if you have),  take a look:

 

I love this because, while you're working out ways to be less invisible in your life, it's fun to enjoy all the things you can get away with since no one's looking.  (Though I don't recommend eating the gallon of ice cream while walking down the grocery aisle!)

Okay, once you've seen the funny side of this situation, what can you do?

How about starting with this.  Ask yourself, "How can I be a little more outrageous today?"  Wow, there's a pretty good chance that you've never even aspired to being outrageous.  In fact, maybe you're not even sure what that might mean for you.

Good.  Time to think about it!

Is your closet almost entirely comprised of neutrals?  Hmmm.  How much fun is that?  Maybe it's time to remember what your favorite color is and to include it -- love seeing it in your surroundings, and on you!

When was the last time you created a little adventurous fun in your life?  Eat something different, see something different, hang out with someone who isn't part of your usual circle.  Find something to get excited about.  You can't be excited and interested in life and still be grey and invisible.  

Don't feel like taking the above suggestion?  Is your inner response that you're just too tired, too cash poor, too depressed?  That's what I'm here for.  To tell you to stop resisting and to take a baby step in the direction of being the person you've dreamed of being.  

Maybe you stopped having personal dreams (you know, the ones that get you really excited with positive expectation) a long time ago.  It's time to get back in touch with the young, hopeful you -- in little ways that feel safe to explore.

And, out of the foggy, grey invisible form that you now see as you, colors and focus and a beautiful form will start to emerge from the inside out.

What is one small thing you can do today to step out from behind the mask of invisibility, and say "Here I am!"?

I keep linking to this blog post of mine from last year, but if you haven't seen it yet, it's all about using just a simple smile to feel better right now. If you're completely stumped about a first step to take, take this one!