just felt like writing you a love letter

I've been thinking about you a lot these days.  I've been wondering what I can do to let you know that there are people who understand.

Because I know it sounds hollow for a total stranger to say, "I love you."  You might say, "But you don't even know me."  You might say, "I'm not even that lovable.  In fact, if I'm so damned lovable, then why am I even in this situation?  Why did I have to take so much, for so many years, just to try to be loved?"

But that's why I'm writing you this letter.  Because I do know.  I do know the part of you that is soooo tired, and has been trying so long, for such a long time.  The part that feels like it's been trying so hard, for a whole lifetime, to measure up, to receive just a little praise, to feel like you got it right once in a while.

To feel like you are the first choice.  The first one picked.  Not the runner up.

You're still waking up on the middle of the night.  You're still scared stiff when you look ahead and try to figure out what's worth living for now.  You wake up each morning and truly have no clue why you should get out of bed.  Except that you have to.

It's just so lonely.

I know that you might be at the point where no one wants to listen to you anymore.  And, actually, you don't blame them.    They're tired of hearing the same things over and over.

You're tired of thinking and feeling the same things over and over.  What he did.  What he's doing.  Who he's doing it with.  How you're being left out to dry with practically nothing.  Or, at least it feels that way.

All of the above has happened to me.  All of the above has happened to every woman I've worked with.

That's why I want you to believe me when I give you a big hug that I hope you can actually feel over there, right where you are . . . and . . . promise you that you can 100% definitely be at a little bit better place within hours.  And be in an even better place within days.  And be in an EVEN EVEN better place in a week . . . and then two weeks . . . and then a month.

You are not in a bottomless, endless pit of grief that you can't do anything about.  I don't care what you read on the internet, or what others have told you.

Yes, I have read those things, too.  This pervasive "truth" that it has to take years to get over your divorce, and that you just have to slog through all of the "stages of grief" really makes me steamed.  Who would want to get up in the morning if you think that this is what life has in store for you?

My message for you today is, please, stop believing that your life is toast.  Cross that out every time you think of it.  This is poison, and haven't you been through enough already?  Be your own best friend in this moment and tell yourself that you are no longer going to torture yourself.  You may still have to put up with him, to an extent, but you're not going to do this to yourself.

Delete those thoughts the way you would delete a mistake when you type.  Highlight (identify the bad thought), delete, and replace it with something hopeful.  If you read some of my material on The Dynamic Divorcee and believe in me, just tell yourself "Rosetta says my life is going to be awesome."

I have a lot more blog posts to help you, daily posts on my Facebook page, and sometimes, there are even chances to talk with me one-on-one for free.  Yes, you can even get access to me, personally.  I am really here for you!

This is not just an impersonal "love 'ya, babe" love letter.  But, I want to close it in a little bit of a tough love way.  You're going to get to a point, somewhere along the line, where it's no longer acceptable to you to feel this terrible every single day.

You're going to be ready to start getting on with it.  You're going to be ready to hear the message that you are a beautiful, unique, incredible woman and human being.  That everything you've gone through in your marriage and divorce was put there to teach you about your magnificence.

Maybe that day is today.  You can do it.  I am really here for you.  And, if you look around, you can open up to signs of love and support everywhere you go.  Is the sun shining on your beautiful face?  Does the air smell fresh today?  Is there a cup of coffee that feels so good in your hand?  Did someone smile at you today?  (Power tip:  If you want to see smiles, give one yourself.  Just say to yourself, "I'll start.")

Start small.  Keep mentally deleting the can't-do-nothing-about-it bad thoughts.  And know that I really am with you.

when getting where you want to go seems too hard (how about those 50 pounds?)

It's really interesting to me how my various clients' needs seem to dovetail a lot of the time. Reminds me of that thing about women in college dorms all getting on the same menstrual cycle.

These days, just about all of my clients have expressed the desire to lose 50 pounds.  They're all saying the same number.  In some cases, weight has always been an issue.  In others, it's the stress of the separation and divorce process, with food becoming the only real source of comfort.

Along with the desire to shed a large number of pounds comes the feeling that it's just too hard to even contemplate getting started.  They're feeling exhausted, and not in the mood to get off the couch after a long work week and family responsibilities.  The ex isn't really helping with the kids, or the help comes at the high price of his acting like he's doing the family a big favor rather than wanting to fulfill his role as a dad.

Is it that my clients are lazy?  Definitely not.  I carefully assess potential clients before I agree to work with them, and in our initial conversations I have tried-and-true ways of finding out whether a woman will experience great success with me.  If there's a question in my mind about whether she'll follow through and get the big results that I promise, I'll never suggest working together.

When it comes to weight loss, though, I think many women just can't stand the thought of getting started, the possibility of failing or of it being too hard, and then being disappointed all over again.  My clients have been disappointed waaaaay too much, in too many ways, and they're very smart about picking their battles.

I love helping them on this because, if you can identify a really strong desire and find a way to make progress toward that goal, you can use those skills toward

any

goal.  It opens up a whole new world of being able to reach out and grab what you want.  This is the kind of future I want for my ladies, and I know it's possible.

First thing is to be sure that weight loss is a goal that is really important.  More important than enjoying food in the way that you've been enjoying it so far.  That's a subject unto itself, as is finding other ways to comfort yourself that will be as easy and as enjoyable as eating comfort foods.  So, sometimes, we look for new ways that clients can feel the sense of calm and relaxation that food can provide, and then it's easier to tackle the diet and fitness piece a little bit later.

A fun thing to do, though, is to create a

Pinterest

board where you can park all kinds of exercise and diet ideas that you might like to try.

Very important:  You're not committing to doing any of these ideas now.  

You're just collecting things that appeal to you.  Especially food ideas that are quick and easy (and

include lots of vegetables that you already like

).  Don't like vegetables?  It's time for a fun exploration of expanding your food choices, and finding vegetables that you can enjoy.  Sometimes, a big part of that can be how they're prepared.  On Pinterest, you'll find all kinds of interesting ideas (with beautiful, colorful pictures that make you happy just looking at them).

And, look for quick and easy video workouts that you think you might actually do.  Make a list of physical activities that you like (or that you used to enjoy).  Think about how you might be able to fit them into your life (maybe, at first, just once a week, and then twice a week . . . and watch it become something you look forward to and maybe even do some of these activities with friends).

Remember, this is just information-gathering.  After you do this for a while, you'll reach a tipping point where you feel motivated to pick something from your list and try it.

If you don't feel motivated after a few weeks of collecting things to try, then losing weight has not come to the top of your desire list yet.  Meditate on what you really want most right now.  Maybe it's related to making more friends.  Maybe there's a hobby, class, or activity that you really want to do. 

Making yourself happier is a through-the-back-door way to change your relationship to food.

This really is magic.

Whatever goal you may be dreaming about (even though it may seem too hard and too far away), think of some deceptively simple and tiny ways to start on it.  Things you can do that are so small and harmless that you won't be tempted to avoid doing them.  Then, be consistent about fitting that tiny, baby step into your life and watch the magic happen.

When you observe some small, but perceptible results from that one little thing you're doing, you'll get excited about adding one more tiny little step.

This really is magic.  Try it, see what happens, and please comment with your successes!

Of course, if you'd like some help from me, just get in touch to ask a question or two, or to schedule a get-acquainted call with me.