Coping With Divorce: Handling fear, and giving yourself the love you need

Welcome to a series of world-class master coach videos I’m sharing on topics that are key to emotional healing after divorce. Louise Hay is an American motivational author and the founder of Hay House, she has authored several New Thought self-help books, including her best-selling You Can Heal Your Life.

In divorce, we’ve lost the one person who we thought would be there for us -- who actually promised to love us forever.  As divorced women, it often happens that we feel more unlovable and unloved than ever before.  We may feel more undeserving than ever before. These kinds of feelings can become stronger and stronger, and become the dark prism through which every part of our lives become distorted.

Are you feeling, "Wait! That's not my problem! I'm just terrified about how I'm going to survive this divorce." Please don't bail on this blog post. When you learn to truly love and support yourself emotionally, you'll have the confidence to handle all of the other changes you're going through right now.

This video is a Louise Hay classic, where she teaches many of her most popular concepts around why it’s difficult to love and accept ourselves. She also gives essential strategies on how to deal with fears that come up when we want to learn to treat ourselves with love.

If you feel that you’re starving for love and lonely from a lifetime of trying to earn love from others, this is a must-watch.  If you're thinking, "No, that's not me," please watch anyway.  Trust me on this.

Scroll down past the video for top divorcée takeaways from this Louise Hay teaching on dealing with fears of not being “enough” for the challenges you face, and how to grow your self love (in case you'd like an idea of what's covered before watching).

Divorcée takeaways on feeling unloved, undeserving, and fearing what the future holds:

  • Loving ourselves is the most powerful thing we can do in our lives.

  • Self-love is not self-indulgence.  Self-love is respecting and appreciating the magnificent beings that we are.

  • As babies, we’re not afraid to let others know how we feel.  We live in the moment.  We’re filled with courage. We were all like that. We adored ourselves.

  • Then, we started to grow up, and started to listen to people who were frightened or critical or resentful or guilty.

  • What you were taught to believe by the people around you has influenced the choices you make and the things you think in the now.

  • As an adult, you are now in charge. It doesn’t matter what your parents said, or what anyone else told you.  You’re the only person who thinks in your mind and gets to choose your thoughts. (Rosetta’s Hint: It’s especially important to get your ex’s voice out of your head.)

  • One of the most powerful affirmations you can use is, “I love and approve of myself.”

  • When you first say this affirmation, often, all the negative thoughts about yourself come to the surface. And this gives you the opportunity to know what’s been in the way of your loving yourself.

  • If you don’t hear your negative messages, you don’t know what’s in the way. When you feel a negative message bubbling up in your mind, write it down. Once you know the negative thoughts that you have about yourself, you can choose to change them.

  • Louise teaches her mirror work exercise: “I love and approve of you exactly as you are.”

  • As you acknowledge any negative messages that come into your mind about yourself, you can diffuse their power by simply telling them, “Thank you for sharing.” (Rosetta: Say this as if you were saying this to someone else whose opinion is not welcome.)

  • Who would be upset if you really loved yourself? (Rosetta’s Hint: Think about who would roll their eyes at you, call you selfish, or tell you that you’re “not all that.” Do you really want to continue to accept these opinions, or would you rather focus on what's wonderful about you?)

  • We can go beyond the limitations and negative mindsets of our family and friends.  Through no fault of these people, we can’t help but have internalized their ways of thinking and behaving.

  • How do you learn to love yourself?  Number one is to stop all criticism -- of yourself and of other people. And it is a lot easier to stop criticizing other people, once you’ve stopped criticizing yourself.

  • Number two is to stop scaring yourself.  How often do you terrorize yourself with your own thoughts? We find so many ways to scare ourselves.

  • Make a list of your fears. Then give yourself the opportunity to turn each fear into a positive affirmation. (Rosetta’s Hint: One way to start this process is to take a look at each fear or negative thought and think of ways that it’s not necessarily true, that there can be another outcome, and that you are not really a victim of what you fear -- you can have a lot to do with the way things turn out.)

  • One negative or self-loathing thought doesn’t make a lot of difference. But thoughts are like drops of water.  If the drops of water keep falling, eventually you get an ocean. The negative thoughts become patterns, and seem real, and it can seem impossible to paddle upstream against them.

  • By challenging our fears and the thoughts that hurt us, we change our experiences. We have the opportunity to move forward without all the darkness and self-doubt of the past.

Would you like more help around self-love and changing fearful, negative thought patterns in your life?

If you feel you’re sinking or stuck in dealing with your emotions (as you navigate separation and divorce, or as you try to heal emotionally after divorce) why not schedule a 30-minute virtual coffee date with me? You'll get immediate help and techniques to feel better from the moment you get on the call. (And if, after our call, you don't feel our time together was helpful, your $25 payment will be auto-refunded. There is nothing to lose, and you will feel better fast.)

Click this link to learn more

For those I-can't-take-it-another-minute days: instant gratification

The Dynamic Divorcée YouTube Channel
Many of you may not know that The Dynamic Divorcée has a YouTube channel.

It started as a resource for my clients, but now I want to share it with all of you. 

What's on the channel right now? 

A webinar with me, based on a recent Inspired Conferences teleseminar.  And, learn more about my story and how what I've been through can help you when you listen to an interview with me on Women Warriors radio (complete with visuals that enhance the story).

Don't miss our always expanding Divorce Recovery Top Hits playlist, where women who are members of our Facebook community contribute the songs that most helped them get through their divorces.  (Have a song you think should be shared with other divorcées?  Comment below and help other women rock out and get their mojo working.) 

What else?  Check out our Feel Better, Divorcées playlist that includes soothing morning and evening meditations with Louise Hay, an incredible Ted Talk on self-esteem by Niko Everett, an energetic clearing on the topic of Self-Brutality by Mellissa Seaman, an introduction to Emotional Freedom Technique (Tapping) with Nick Ortner and Louise Hay, an array of calming yoga techniques, and even a stress-busting green juice recipe.  

Plus a few of my favorite Abraham-Hicks audios on the subject of relationships, with topics that include: 
  • We broke up and he married someone else, but I still love him.
  • Why don't my relationships last?
  • I want to find the perfect mate.
  • Relationships:  Don't try to convince anybody of anything.

This channel was designed to be your own personal, private seminar on emotional recovery from divorce.

Check it out, and let me know what you think -- and suggest any YouTube content that you think I should add to the channel : ) .

8 Must-Haves for Every Dynamic Divorcee's Recovery Toolkit

When you're slogging your way through every single day, unsure whether life will ever get better, it really helps to inject a little fun and whimsy into the process.

With that in mind, I offer you my version of divorce recovery first aid: 

8 Must-Haves for Every Dynamic Divorcee's Toolkit.

We have all five senses covered here -- and the sixth sense is even in here, too : ) .

Including all of your senses in your toolkit helps to stop your mind from playing it's endless loop of gloom and doom.

Put together this toolkit today.  Especially essential when you don't have enough love and support around you.  And, these days, who does?

8.   You might be wishing for a security blanket right now -- I did.  Here's the adult version that works so well for me:  A favorite, comforting light-weight scarf, keeping you cozy and protected, like one of these from World Market (and, bonus, some cute ways to tie them, here).

It will pick up the scent of whatever yummy fragrance you wear (more about that below), and will start to give you a soothing, relaxed and happy vibe every time you wear it.  That vibe is cumulative, so wear it often, have it on you when you attend happy, uplifting events, and it will start to remind you of the good times and the good people in your life.  (A new scarf is best.  Don't choose one that has memories associated with your ex!)

7.   A talisman that centers you whenever you hold it in your hand.  Sometimes the nicest one is the one that you pick up during a long walk.  But, if you have a local rock shop or metaphysical store, you can see which crystals or gemstones feel the best in your hand.  You don't have to research the meanings of the various gemstones.  Just choose one that feels good in your hand and makes you feel the kind of energy you need most, whether it's peace, contentment, fire, self-love, or confidence.

A practice that I like is to hold the stone in my hand every morning and intend my wish for that day.  Then, right before bedtime, I hold the stone in my hand and release everything that happened, both good and bad, into my stone for safekeeping so I can sleep peacefully.

6. Get a Pinterest account to make a virtual vision board of where you want your life to be . . . next week, next month, next year.  This is so much fun!  You can make your board visible or private, as you choose.  This is the *perfect* tool for women who have worked themselves to the bone for so long, and sacrificed so much for others that they no longer even know what they like, what they desire, or who they are.  Just visit Pinterest and start clicking.

I also think it's nice to print out some key images that really motivate you, buy a 4 x 6 purse-sized photo album (I use this one, for under $5, where one of your vision-board images can be visible on the cover) and keep your little album with you to motivate you during the day.  There's something about having images you can touch!

5. A natural, grounding scent that helps you to feel calm, positive, powerful, and relaxed.  

I love the Relax synergy blend from Plant Therapy, containing lavender, marjoram, patchouli, mandarin, geranium, and chamomile -- starts at just $8.95 US for a 10ml bottle. This scent is both relaxing and energizing at the same time, and works great in a diffuser so that your home or workplace can be filled with this gentle, but recovery-supporting scent.  Works great at bedtime!

 

4. Power Thought Cards by Louise Hay.  I have such a love of this card deck that I can't even tell you.  Through all my darkest hours, it just wouldn't leave me alone.  I bought this deck during the early days when I had just separated from my husband after finding out about his secret life with another woman.  I really didn't know whether I was living or dead.  Since then, it seems that every time I forget about this wonderful, adorable set of cards, someone gives me another of the same deck!  So, seven years later, I now have three of them : ) .

This is a must-have set of 64 whimsical, brightly colored cards that reorient your thoughts toward the positive and the possible.  I use them as an oracle:  I ask a question and get clarity and a plan of action by drawing one card.  Always uplifting.  Do this rather than cast your fate to tarot cards, which can leave you feeling more depressed than when you started.  Less than $13, ladies.

3. Kundalini yoga DVDs by Ana Brett and Ravi Singh.  You don't even have to leave home for the gym, and most of Brett's DVDs allow you to create your own workout (even if you only have 5 or 10 minutes) from among the various segments on each DVD by using their matrix feature.   This is more than just exercise.  Flows are created to cause specific effects (stress relief, increase in energy, relaxation) and there's even a Kundalini Yoga Quick Fixes DVD that treats a host of different issues, with a series of poses/flows that each take only a few minutes.  Total lifesaver, and you feel great after just a brief practice.

2.  An uplifting (yet not preachy or saccharine) weekly podcast.  Here's my favorite that I've listened to for years -- with a unique take on manifesting.  It's called Flowdreaming, and you can access ten of creator Summer McStravick's top podcasts here.  You can also subscribe via iTunes.

1. A go-to blog (like this one) that you can count on for a weekly infusion of attitude adjustment.  And, it really helps if the person behind the blog is available to coach you one-on-one through some of those rock-and-a-hard-place spots.  If you're interested in one-to-one work with me (you can be anywhere on Earth as long as we have English as a common language), you'll find more about that here.

Going to church

Having been raised Roman Catholic, there's a lot of conscious and subconscious suffering, guilt, and focus on sin that's a part of the worship experience.  Not to mention the lack of respect for women within the church.  But, still, it's wonderful to be able to participate in a spiritual experience on Sundays, and attending Mass isn't the only way to go.

For a while, I attended Bodhi Spiritual Center, 2746 N. Magnolia Ave., a Chicago-based branch of the Center for Spiritual Living.  If you've ever read self-help authors in the mold of Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer, you'll be familiar with the beliefs that are espoused at Bodhi.  Every service is an uplifting experience.

My one caveat is:  Don't expect to make friends here.  I'd been attending Sunday services plus miscellaneous events for about two years, and it remained impossible to break into this community without attending instructional classes at the church at $200 and up for a series.

An acquaintance suggested that the best way to make friends is to volunteer for the welcome team, or sign-up for another volunteer group at the church.  If you're ready to make an immediate commitment to be all-in, this might be a great path to take.

Without putting in some elbow grease behind the scenes, it's kind of depressing to try to strike up a conversation over coffee in the fellowship hall after services. Feels a little like visiting from Mars.

But, even if you're not a joiner, you can still enjoy:
  • A hug at the door as you enter the sanctuary
  • Great, uplifting contemporary music at every service
  • Inspiring, thought-provoking sermons based on new-thought tenets such as positive thinking, affirmations, non-judgment of others, and gratitude
  • Brief one-on-one prayer after service with a licensed spiritual counselor
  • Oneness blessing after service, which is a lovely laying on of hands to transfer spiritual energy to the receiver (very powerful and energizing feeling)
If it sounds like a nice start to Sunday morning, see if there's a Center for Spiritual Living in your city.

All in all, a very pleasant worship experience -- without the hell and damnation -- and then on to the solo Sunday brunch with an inspirational book in tow, or maybe an internet date.