Welcome to a series of world-class master coach videos I’m sharing on topics that are key to emotional healing after divorce. Valorie Burton is a life coach, author, motivational speaker and entrepreneur. She is the founder of the Coaching and Positive Psychology Institute.
The video below is not specifically related to divorce, but it’s one of my favorites when it comes to clear, insightful reasons to let go for yourself -- not for the other person -- and to realize that the other person’s behavior is not, and has never been, within your control.
Some of my personal secret sauce on this topic: The dark side of holding on to the hurt is that we may feel that if the person finally asks for forgiveness, it releases us from feeling somehow responsible for what the other person did to us. When your ex is out there having the time of his life with someone else, it’s easy to feel like a fool: that somehow you could have prevented this from happening. It's easy to feel that if you were more of this or less of that, he would have had more love and respect.
Continuing to feel wronged and feeding your own hurt destroys your self-confidence, makes it more difficult to walk in self-love, and the poison spills over into every other area of your life.
Scroll down past the video for top divorcée takeaways on forgiving in difficult situations, in case you'd like an idea of what's covered before watching.
Divorcée takeaways on forgiveness:
It's useless to take personally the things that other people do.
What other people choose to do, even if they try to do it to me, is really not about me, it’s about them. It’s about their emotional condition, it’s about their spiritual condition, it’s about their own hurt and pain.
There is a reason for their behavior (even though this doesn't excuse them). And I cannot change them; it’s up to them to change themselves.
If I decide to wait until they apologize or are contrite before I move on, I may be waiting for the rest of my life.
And I refuse to allow someone who hurts me to take control of my emotions. I control my emotions.
You’re not excusing their behavior; you’re freeing yourself from being held hostage by how they choose to act or react.
You may not be able to do it alone. It may take prayer to release the negative bond that you’ve created with the other person, based on the betrayal. (Rosetta's Hint: Symbolically cut the cord with your ex. Get a pair of scissors and snip snip snip in front of the place in your body where it hurts most. If your heart is aching, hold your scissors out at arm's length at the level of your heart, and energetically cut the imaginary cords that keep you emotionally tied to your ex and his actions.)
The person who most needs the act of forgiveness is the forgiver, because once you start to forgive, you’re no longer bound up in the negative emotions, feelings of pain, and desire for revenge.
Hurting, selfish, immature, and out-of-control people hurt people. It is what it is. Take control of your own peace, joy, and freedom.
Would you like more help around betrayal, divorce, and forgiveness?
If you feel you’re sinking or stuck in dealing with your emotions (as you navigate separation and divorce, or as you try to heal emotionally after divorce) why not schedule a 30-minute virtual coffee date with me? You'll get immediate help and techniques to feel better from the moment you get on the call. (And if, after our call, you don't feel our time together was helpful, your $25 payment will be auto-refunded. There is nothing to lose, and you will feel better fast.)