<<Welcome to a series of world-class master coach videos I’m sharing on topics that are key to emotional healing after divorce. Brené Brown is an American scholar, author, and public speaker, who is currently a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. Over the last fifteen years she has been involved in research on a range of topics, including vulnerability, courage, shame, and empathy. She is the author of three #1 New York Times bestsellers: The Gifts of Imperfection (2010), Daring Greatly (2012), and Rising Strong (2015).>>
During divorce, and sometimes, long afterwards, women can be a little bit preoccupied with trying to feel safe. So many changes have happened. So many things we thought were incontrovertibly true vanish in a puff of smoke. It can seem there’s no solid ground under our feet, and we have to keep shifting our balance, never quite knowing where we’ll end up.
Here’s a little video snip on the subject of vulnerability, and how to take a tiny step toward feeling safe again.
Scroll down past the video for top divorcée takeaways on feeling too vulnerable after divorce, in case you'd like an idea of what's covered before watching. (And, in the bullet points, I include some of my own secret sauce to tie things together, specific to divorce recovery.)
Divorcée takeaways on feeling safe again:
How to know if you’re “armoring” (that is, trying to protect yourself from pain, or from the next bad thing that’s sure to happen).
Perfectionism: Trying to control events, situations, and your own behavior in an almost talismanic way. (Rosetta’s explanation: As if, by being perfect, or requiring others to be so, you can subvert impending disaster and keep yourself safe.)
Numbing the pain: food, drugs, drinks, gossip, social media.
Social media support is different from personal 1:1 support because when you ask a friend to take ten minutes to talk with you about what you’re going through, it’s an act of vulnerability to ask for that support. We protect ourselves from rejection by not asking, and relying on social media support instead.
Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience. If you cannot tolerate joy, you start dress-rehearsing tragedy. When something joyous happens, it can trigger you to expect tragedy to follow in its wake. (Rosetta’s Hint: It can feel safer to just cultivate the habit of expecting the worst, but this can lead to a spiral of depression and a mindset of “What’s the use? I’ll only be disappointed. The rug will be pulled out, and I’ll be left with nothing again. If something good happens, it will only set me up for an even bigger fall.”)
People who are comfortable with vulnerability, also feel fear that blessings can be taken away, but Instead of using that feeling as a warning to practice disaster, they use it as a reminder to practice gratitude.
(Rosetta’s Hint: For some women, practicing gratitude can make them even more aware of everything that’s still left for them to lose. An alternative way of dealing with the fear of greater loss is to strengthen your positive mindset as a human being. Feed the feeling that, no matter what you’ve been through, you’ve survived it. You are competent, you can learn what you need to know in order to keep growing and keep changing for the better. It may be difficult, right now, to have confidence in a benevolent Universe, but you can cultivate confidence in yourself -- not the Universe -- based on the fact that you’re still here!)
Would you like more help around too many changes and how to develop the confidence to handle them?
If you feel you’re sinking or stuck in dealing with your emotions (as you navigate separation and divorce, or as you try to heal emotionally after divorce) why not schedule a 30-minute virtual coffee date with me? You'll get immediate help and techniques to feel better from the moment you get on the call. (And if, after our call, you don't feel our time together was helpful, your $25 payment will be auto-refunded. There is nothing to lose, and you will feel better fast.)