How to stop comparing yourself with other women and coming up short

Welcome to a series of world-class master coach videos I’m sharing on topics that are key to emotional healing after divorce. Byron Kathleen Mitchell, better known as Byron Katie is an American speaker and author who teaches a method of self-inquiry known as "The Work of Byron Katie" or simply as "The Work."

Part of emotional healing from divorce often has to do with the self-torture of comparing yourself with your ex’s new woman, with other women as you begin to explore online dating sites, with other women as perceiving competition in the workplace . . . it can seem endless.

While this video isn’t specifically related to divorce, I believe it’s valuable to watch in order to reconsider the concept of comparison and competition.

If your husband ended up choosing someone else and running off with her, does that mean she is "better" than you? It may feel that way, but a different choice does not equal a better choice, only a different one. And it may say more about your husband than it does about you.

Scroll down past the video for top divorcée takeaways on comparison and competition, in case you'd like an idea of what's covered before watching.

Divorcée takeaways on competition and self-judgment:

  • Even though we may know how destructive it is to compare ourselves with others, it can seem almost impossible to stop.

  • We’re comparing images in our heads of ourselves and others, but are those images the reality?

  • All of this is going on in our imaginations -- it’s completely subjective, and not objective truth.

  • If you feel you’re losing in comparison with another person simply on the basis of your own assessment of her versus you, what is the proof that the other person is superior? There is no proof. It’s all taking place in your mind.

  • As long as you continue to identify with the comparison (that someone else is winning and you are losing, or that someone else is objectively better than you are simply because of a few qualities she has that are different from yours), you remain in pain.

  • The solution (or healing moment) is not to stop the thoughts, but to notice that they are there without giving them power or attaching judgment or meaning to them..

  • Just notice how you’re feeling when you identify yourself as being less than someone else, and notice that it’s only your subjective opinion (coming from a place of self-judgment).

  • Notice, rather than trying to compete, or trying to fix yourself so that you can win. Any thought that makes you feel bad or less than is not a thought that supports your self-love.

  • If you’re curious about the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet that Katie mentions, take a look here

Would you like more help around competition, jealousy, and self-judgment (and how these persistent thoughts make you feel?

If you feel you’re sinking or stuck in dealing with your emotions (as you navigate separation and divorce, or as you try to heal emotionally after divorce) why not schedule a 30-minute virtual coffee date with me? You'll get immediate help and techniques to feel better from the moment you get on the call. (And if, after our call, you don't feel our time together was helpful, your $25 payment will be auto-refunded. There is nothing to lose, and you will feel better fast.)

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