When it's over, but you can’t let go

Welcome to a series of world-class master coach videos I’m sharing on topics that are key to emotional healing after divorce. Iyanla Vanzant is an American inspirational speaker, lawyer, New Thought spiritual teacher, author, life coach and television personality. She is known primarily for her books, her eponymous talk show, and her appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Scroll down past the video for top divorcée takeaways on letting go, in case you'd like an idea of what's covered before watching.

Divorcée takeaways on letting go:

  • There’s a part of you that doesn’t believe that you are able to satisfy your own needs and desires, and that you need the other person.

  • That part of yourself is looking for someone else to give you what you don’t believe you can give yourself.

  • Whatever you believe you received from the other person (peace, joy, love, fun), you truly have it all within yourself.

  • Your soul is urging you to acknowledge, accept, and appreciate that you are complete.

  • What you’re reaching for out there is something that you have to find within.

  • This is not to minimize the heartbreak of losing an important relationship.

  • This does not mean to force yourself to stop loving, but instead to give yourself permission to stop yearning and to find a way to give yourself what you believe the other person took with him.

  • The reason you can’t let go is that we were taught to believe that we need someone else to focus on in order to experience love -- and this is not true.

  • Your train of thought (yearning, pining away) is what keeps you stuck. Your misery is not caused by the breakup itself.

  • These thoughts are grounded in lack of self-value and self-appreciation. Train your mind to focus on you rather than on the other person.

  • Every time you are feeling sad and missing the other person, take a breath and change the thought.

  • Take a breath and say, “I’m loving me right now.”

  • When you feel you’re really ready to let go, be careful not to entertain thoughts about why the relationship went wrong, what the other person did or said, who he is with and why he is not with you.

  • Refuse to let yourself entertain any thought that will lead you down a path of suffering. Replace that thought with a loving thought about yourself, even if it’s just, “I am okay. I can do this. I am choosing to let go.”

  • Choice is your power.

  • Don’t deny the part of you that still wants him back. Give that part of you a voice. Write out those feelings or talk about them with someone, but don’t give these thoughts permission to take control.

  • The part of you that knows it’s over must create and maintain boundaries. No booty calls, no phone calls in the middle of the night, no stalking.

  • Let the part of you who knows how to maintain your own dignity take control. Tell yourself, “I know you want that, but it’s just not good for you.”

  • You are the love you want and the love you seek.

Would you like more help around letting go of your ex?

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